Who likes to be all doom and gloom? Why focus on the past?
I sure as heck don't.
But I am writing this blog post today for all the kids who are now, and adults who were once: BULLIED. It is an important subject matter that has come up more and more in recent years and we NEED to keep talking about it and squash it once and for all.
I spent from Kindergarten until about tenth grade being bullied by a girl in my school. For a super long time I didn't really say anything about it. Then I became an adult who joined facebook. Then I started connecting with people who knew me then and who knew HER. I told a very select, few and somewhat trusted friends how my life was "back then." And I am not sure anyone will ever fully understand the pain and anguish and constant struggle I went through all of my life until about the age of 16 or 17 years.
It started when we were very young. She screamed at me one day on the play ground, "I don't know why I don't like you Becca, but I JUST DON'T LIKE YOU." I stood alone, with her and a group of our friends all standing behind her. After she was done screaming at me she and all our classmates turned their backs on me and they all walked away as I was standing there sobbing and gasping for breath.
Then as elementary school progressed she continued to try and steal friends from me. She continued doing all sorts of insulting, lying and sneaking in a multitude of ways all to get me to be taken down however her sick little mind could make it happen. I struggled with it silently and just went to school every single day dreading the thought of her and class and kids making fun of me for whatever it was she had started that season.
But it all started to get really real when my elementary school was about to join with 4 other elementary schools, all the 6th graders coming into one middle school for 7th grade. My bully jumped all over the opportunity to ruin my life one more time.
We had a mixer at a school gym so all the 6th grade kids from all the different schools could start to meet and get to know one another. I will never forget that day. She moved her way through the crowds of people and whispered to everyone from every school, "do you see that girl over there? Her name is Becca. She is a slut, a bitch and a total snob." I knew those were her exact words because people told me what she said.
There I was, a new 7th grader in a school where everyone hated me. I still stayed silent and hid within my own mind and skin. I just existed. My Mom started noticing I was not acting happy or balanced. So she asked me what was up. I told her what my bully had done with all the new kids and schools coming together. Mom was livid. So Mom went to my high school/middle school counselors and requested that this girl and I NEVER be placed in the same classroom for any reason, ever again until after I graduated high school. They did it. But that didn't change a whole lot.
For the rest of high school, I would slowly but surely get to know people and I wish I had a penny for every time someone said to me, "Wow, Becca, you are pretty nice, do you know what I used to think of you? And I'm not sure why?" "Let me guess," I would say, "you thought I was a bitch, snob, slut take your pick, right?" Yea! They would retort. They couldn't even recall why they would think that. But they all did. I had to live down QUITE a reputation.
I started believing the lies at one point. I used to prefer hanging out with boys more than girls. Gee, I wonder why? And so some people interpreted that as me being "slutty." And so I think the belief that I was a slut or loose or something, actually became ingrained in my developing brain. My quiet, meek and scared nature translated to people as though I was a snob. And I straight up started abusing MYSELF in high school. The lack of self-esteem simply seeped through my veins and I found myself in the crowds of kids who drank, smoked and did drugs. Who cares anyway? I hated myself and everyone else hated me too, so I thought.
This went on and on and on until 10th or 11th grade at which point I just totally stopped caring about anything or anyone. I had a long term boyfriend from another school and I just hung out with him. Summers were lonely. I got not one phone call from not one friend. I just stayed lonely and pathetic. I let this GIRL ruin my entire life. I had a few really awesome girlfriends from a school grade ahead of me who were my only friends and saving grace at all. They didn't care or know about the crowds of people who all had certain feelings and believed certain rumors about me. Thank God for them.
But when I left for college, it was my time to shine. I left that girl, that BULLY who was nothing and no one to me any more, behind. She was gone from my mind FOREVER. It was time to start over and create a new, better, amazing Becca.
Fast forward to the age of 34. I felt like I had dealt with my painful childhood. I felt like I had shed that bully who plagued my entire youth. And I post my before and after fitness photos on facebook because now I am the person who is DEVOTED to helping others take BACK their life and their strength, no matter where they came from. And a guy from my high school actually makes a comment on one of my photos about me bragging about looking "hot on facebook" and doesn't my husband ever get annoyed by it. AND BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That triggered a response in me that was so great, so large and so OLD I was taken right back to the bully.
The old rumors of "You are a slut" came right back into my core belief system.
I know I am not a slut. But my cells and nerves started developing and believing what people were sometimes saying about me all from this bully and her circle of screwed up followers who spread hatred throughout my high school like a virus.
So I still work on it until this very day. I have blessed her and released her. I feel really sorry for her actually. I have no idea where she is as an adult to this day. I don't really care. I bet you she has an equal if not MORE amount of work to do on herself than I do. I am quite sure the BULLY has more demons and things to work out than the BULLIED.
The point of this blog? I want to bring some awareness to the subject. I want to talk about how like 20 years later I am still trying to heal my pain. And that is OK. I just like to open up to people who come to my web site. I want to let people know I am real. I feel. I struggle. I hurt. And maybe that is why I am such a big fighter to this day, so maybe I should even be THANKING this old bully of a lost soul of a poor girl. Because I feel pretty bad ass after all.
Look, we all screw up in different ways in high school or elementary school. It is part of growing up and learning. I am sure I did somethings I wish I could take back. But it was never anything that gave any reason for anyone to be treated the way I was for so long. It was so psychologically SICK. I want to open this dialog and conversation. Many of us now have school age kids of our own now. Can we break this cycle? Please send me your opinions.
Thank you so much for visiting my blog! I love to connect with people, so please comment and email me and talk with me about anything I have written that might have spoken to you!