There was an assignment I missed in a leadership training group my business partner is running, of which I am a part.
She asked us to tell our story and share it with everyone who we present our company's business opportunity to. I decided to write a blog and share my story with the world. Do I think it is an amazing story? Nope. I am sharing it because I think it more common than anyone would ever imagine.
I have shared my story a thousand different times in a hundred different ways. I have shared this story or that via vlog on my YouTube page. I have shared this story via private groups where I support my clients. But I am not one hundred percent sure I have ever shared my story totally publicly and on my blog. So here she is!!!
The mountain I have climbed starts as a timid, bored, scared, lonely child. I had very few friends. No best friends. I was not good at hardly anything. I was not athletic. Failed in school. Couldn't sing. I was OK at soccer. I was OK at art. I enjoyed writing and cheerleading and being with people. I liked performing, but I never was able to take dance classes or acting/drama or anything. So I had big dreams in my spirit yet no initiative or tools to enforce them. I felt like I had no opportunities, or opportunities always passed me by. I feel like I never found out about what was out there for me to grab onto, resources, options. From high school to college, I felt like I was in a fog.
I never took the initiative to go alone and learn about what clubs I could join, what groups were offered. I never utilized resources and never had any mentors. I did barely enough just to get by. I thought that was living. I don't recall a coach who I ever looked up to and had helped me out with much of anything. I liked my track coach in middle school. She pushed me a little. I was a middle distance runner and I ran at a slow to average pace. Yay. Go me. Wow. The C or B student. The grey, foggy friend. It seemed everyone assumed I always had it all together and I had nothing together, ever.
I was raised by fantastic parents who loved me very much. My sisters loved me very much. Our house was happy, generally. We were provided for and safe. Christmases were fun. But I always felt alone, lost, confused, unable to fully tap into my expression or creativity. I am not sure if I had a learning disability or do, of some kind? But I always felt (again) grey, half present, uninspired, not useful, not good enough, not valued, disconnected. My lack of performance and lack of dedication in school and in every sport I tried and quit made my self esteem plummet more and more over the years. I struggled with a bully from Kindergarten through twelfth grade. Are you ready to keel over yet? Who else needs a change of subject! or a drink? BLAH, but I'll keep going....
Cigarettes, those who smoked them, alcohol and drugs started surrounding me. For a period of my life I considered these things to be the answer to finding more joy or experimenting with my spirituality. Would they help me escape? Of course not!
I remember a turning point in college. I always was very quick to lose my temper and rage, I ran away from things, situations and people easily. I had no patience whatsoever. I found myself at a traffic light. It was red. I was tapping hard on the wheel thinking, "come on, come on, come on." Tension was taking over my body as I could NOT wait for this light to change. I was not even patient enough to sit my due turn at a red light. I am quite sure I had no where pressing to be. I knew I had a problem, and that problem was simply dealing with and living through life in a constructive way.
Shortly after realizing my paralyzing lack of patience and temperament and over all lack of awareness, sleeping through life and never really feeling happy, I FOUND YOGA. Someone who I worked with recommended it to me for my many issues. I believed in God, was raised in a Christian home, but never knew what it meant to be filled with spirit, grace, God's love, joy, awareness, songs of love and peace, conscious living and giving back.
I became obsessed with Yoga, bought every VHS tape (ehem, showing my age), class and book I could find. It made me feel LIGHT pouring from every muscle and cell. I felt like I woke up after a lifetime of sleeping. I studied with every teacher I could find, everywhere I went. I dove into Iyengar Yoga, Bikram, Kripalu, Baptiste, Integral, Yin Yoga, dabbled in the Ashtanga and Anusara styles. I didn't care, any kind, any style, anyone who was into it, I joined them, they joined me. I eventually left college and went straight to get my Yoga teacher training certification. I wanted nothing other than to teach what had impacted me so greatly. Life had color, purpose and felt great for the first time ever.
Battling with what I later learned to be "clinical depression" has been a roller coaster for me ever since. Despite my passion for Yoga, I got soft at it. Marriage, divorce and a second marriage, along with motherhood and being a military wife was enough to throw me way off track.
Here and there I have lost my Yoga flow with life. But it is always there to embrace me when I find my way again. I have been studying Yoga and it's philosophies for eighteen years now. And I still feel like a beginner, a novice.
When I encountered a pretty horrific back injury followed by massive weight gain after my second marriage, I knew I needed serious nutrition and fitness intervention. This was my solution to finding the confidence to go back to my Yoga practice once again. My Beachbody coach pretty much saved my life, by just merely sharing and lightly suggesting her business and free fit club with me. I went, after doubting it for a few weeks. Thank God I did. Beachbody, Tony Horton and Yoga has totally rebirthed me and given me another whole, new, glowing life once again. I have lost a total of nearly sixty pounds on my journey with Beachbody in the last three years.
Giving back through Yoga teaching and my own Beachbody coaching has given me my purpose. The only direction my life has ever taken that seems positive are these two things. I absolutely LOVE being a Mother, but I struggle at it, as I am sure most parents do, we learn as we go. But my purpose is to help people, be a good influence and constantly strive to be the best I can be, flaws and all.
I work tirelessly and relentlessly to earn a substantial income with which I can contribute to or take over (hopefully someday soon) for my family. But my main reason for being alive still today is to give back and help people. Service. There are so many people out there who are silently suffering and confused, need help, support, not knowing if they even have depression, struggling with their weight and seeking joy, but feeling like they might never fully achieve it. I am grateful for my battle with a back condition, dramatic injury, addictions and depression. I believe I have had them all so I can connect with those who are battling them now or have in the past.
Thank you so much for visiting my blog! I love to connect with people, so please comment and email me and talk with me about anything I have written that might have spoken to you!